So here's me. I'm at my parent's house in Guilderland for approximately one month. As I am here for an extended period of time, I have decided that I will finally clean up all the boxes in the basement... so that I know where all my crap is, should I ever actually need to put it someone one of these years.
Productivity on the home front has been pretty good so far, because my jet lag won't allow me to sleep more than four hours a night. And I refuse to use up good daytime hours with shut-eye, so I'm getting in like a twenty hour day... almost every day. It's kind of frustrating not to feel like you can adequately think or speak straight, but while I'm going through boxes I need to do neither, and the people that I get to be around now have known me since I was 13 so they knew me before I actually COULD think or speak straight. And that really goes a long way.
But during the day, when it is dumping down snow and I can't ride my bike anyway... I am homebound. So inevitably, I have been forging through old poems and songs and stuff. I put them all in a little box, and mailed them to myself -- a good suggestion from my cousin -- to prevent plagiarism. Not that I think anyone would really want to steal my little ditties... but hey, best to do what you can do, eh?
Anyway, since these little pieces of me aren't doing any good just sitting around in boxes, i have decided to post some of them, burn some of them, and recycle some of them. Since the blog is just going to be chilling out while I'm home, I figured that's a good forum for it.
So anyway, here are two poems that I found that I kinda liked. It's weird, for the most part I'm generally a happy girl, but most of the time when I write it sounds like I'm a torture victim. So, pardon, I guess. It's my therapy...
This one doesn't have a title, or a date on it, but it looks like the book it was written in started in 2004, so it was probably written in 04 or 05. And I sound terribly sad!! :(
Ask me why I want you and I'd tell you
"It beats me"
And sometimes man, it does
Leaves welts in places no one sees
caresses and then crushes me
Suddenly I'm sinking and what's left is something you can't see
A ghost of what I used to be
Yet you're still there, somewhere inside
lurking like a child learning to seek and hide
Except I can always find you
Even when I don't try to --
like when I hear Dan Bern sing about Key West
and I remember how I like you best
and he tried to escape
but baby I just want to rest
Cuz I can't sleep beside your memory --
which is irony at its best
And I remember that old morning
you took my hand and curled my toes
and I was peeking through my hair, from the pillow
in throes of disbelief and happiness
of what could come from all of this
but
nothing comes from nothingness
and that's all there is to say
I guess
Aaaaaaaand this one looks unfinished. And I think I actually like it enough to maybe play around with it and turn it into a song. It is needy, and it's about singing. And I haven't written a song since I came back from New Zealand. This one doesn't have a title either. Or a date. Dammit. I used to be so good at that!
Somewhere there's a radio station playing out loud
I can't tune it out
and I can't tone it down
It blankets the world in static and sound
and everything beautiful wades in
and drowns
There is a babbling brook that spills from your mouth
and your words build a bridge from your thoughts to my doubts
But your waters run dry
you can't quench my thirst
and I hate how
you never let me come first
Still the kids in Uganda, they sing their songs
rising from the pit of all the pain in Patong
and the tears they flow like the mallet along
the old-souled wood on the xylophone
and the beauty beguiles me, intrepid and strong
And what I know is I understand
a hollow box of wood in my hands
and strumming out from within, whatever I can
to match what I can no longer stand
I wish that I could talk to you the way we sing at night
5 little fingers and 6 sweet strings spring up out of the blight
that light can't usually get through
that tries to crawl out of my mouth whenever it has the chance to
But not when we're singin'
When we're singing' we're free
Shedding lies like skin
skin like gravity
and we're up, we're just floatin'
my guitar and me
... and that's where that puppy ends. but i think with some tinkering that could turn out nice!
Anyway, if you liked that round, I will probably post some more as I come across them. I still have a lot of stuff to get through......... :)
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
S T U C K
This past week has been so strange. I am now on the third day of what will turn out to be a four day journey home. I will not miss overnight train or bus rides, sleeping in the airport, or smog.
However, looking back just a few days, my last night in Krabi rivaled my last night on Lamma, give or take a few degrees. It was a wonderfully clear sky, with a bright full moon, and there was just something lurking in the air. For the first half of the night I was laying around on these beautiful platforms, listening to the ocean with one ear, and to the music with the other. Watching fire spinners working out their stuff. Among other things that night, I am now in love with this band called the Bedouin Sound Clash... I think. No one could really tell me much, except that they are from England and have a pretty good following. As I have been out of the country and most of the music scene for the past three months... if anyone has any idea what band I'm talking about, I would LOVE more info. Cuz I need the music. Asap.
The next day was a late start and a bit of a let down on the island. Apparently the guy that Elle and Emma had met the night before kind of blew us off, as we were supposed to use his rope to go climbing so that we could get out of a crazy fee for only a few hours. At this point I went solemnly wandering the island, hoping someone would see how pathetic I looked and tell me they would take me out climbing. And it worked! Except, my new friend Mic is a really good climber and his new friend Jess is NOT. So we went to the Fire Wall, where the two of us managed to scramble me up this one crazy hard route, and then I got halfway through another one before my arms decided they were going to take the rest of the day off. Quitters. It didn't really matter, though, because I was headed off to Ao Nang to head to Bangkok to head back to Hong Kong to head to San Francisco to head home.
Lucky for me, I met a lovely British fellow on the pickup truck in Ao Nang and we were able to accompany each other all the way to Bangkok Airport the next day. It worked out so well, our flights were leaving within ten minutes of each other. This guy works for British Airways and was making me wildly jealous with his tales. He gets to fly pretty much anywhere for next to nothing, is funny, fun to talk to, makes enough to vacation whenever he wants and gets loads of time off. In addition to all that good stuff, his girlfriend gets to fly wherever SHE wants pretty much for free. So I casually asked him if he thought he would be needing a new girlfriend any time soon. Turns out he is quite attached to the current one. Go figure.
It doesn't REALLY matter though, because though I joke about the British Airways dude, I did meet a nice man I actually would marry. Of course, he doesn't know that, cuz he is pratically married off to someone who is not me, so there's no need in making a fool out of myself. But that's the rub about meeting so many people all the time. It seems like I am constantly nurturing a smarting heart.
And now I'm stuck in the Hong Kong airport. Yesterday was probably the worst day I have had in a very long time. Everything was fine until I realized that $3000 in traveler's cheques were missing from my money belt. So as I was trying to deal with that, my plane (unbeknownst to me) was taking off without me because I forgot to set my watch forward an hour from Bangkok time. I could see the plane rolling away as I got to the gate, and I thought to myself, "why is there no one here? They must have moved the gate... again" But then as I was walking up, the woman at the boarding gate said "Miss Brown?" and then in my surprise that this woman would know who I am out of alllllllll the passengers on this flight... it hit me exactly what was happening. And from two nights of no sleep and not eating properly, I just broke down and started sobbing on the floor. It was so awful. I was so thrilled with the idea of getting picked up by my dad, and then heading to a hotel - which is oddly something that is really fun for me, staying in hotel- and then goign home without ever having to navigate my way through ONE subway with my huge bags. Plus with the advent of the traveler's cheques and the fact that I didn't have any more money, and that I KNEW they were going to steal that stupid change fee from me... I wajust lost it. Oh man, it was horrible. I effectlively bought another plane ticket just because I made a stupid mistake. That 250 bucks gets me a whole week of Spanish school, or a one way ticket to the Bay area, or a round trip ticket to Guatemala. I tried telling this to the woman behind the counter, through sniffs and sobs, but she wasn't hearing it. I hope if she's ever in a state like I was yesterday, she doesn't run into herself somewhere. Cuz that was not fun at all.
But there are nice people all over the place, and as I was huddled in a corner trying to make sense of myself, feeling really stupid and lonely and trying to blubber quietly, this wonderful man... whom I will refer to now as my Balinese Guardian Angel... came over with a sandwich and some water and sat and talked with me for a long time. He did some breathing exercises with me, and we chatted for a long time about Hinduism and spirituality and meditation. It was great. It made me almost want to cancel my trip home and head to Bali with him and his family. Which is good, I like being excited about that. But Bali will be still be there when I actually have money, so like most things, it will have to wait.
So it's now ten o clock and I am going to check in for my flight. With any luck, in another 24 hours I will be in a car, with my dad, heading home. Finally.
However, looking back just a few days, my last night in Krabi rivaled my last night on Lamma, give or take a few degrees. It was a wonderfully clear sky, with a bright full moon, and there was just something lurking in the air. For the first half of the night I was laying around on these beautiful platforms, listening to the ocean with one ear, and to the music with the other. Watching fire spinners working out their stuff. Among other things that night, I am now in love with this band called the Bedouin Sound Clash... I think. No one could really tell me much, except that they are from England and have a pretty good following. As I have been out of the country and most of the music scene for the past three months... if anyone has any idea what band I'm talking about, I would LOVE more info. Cuz I need the music. Asap.
The next day was a late start and a bit of a let down on the island. Apparently the guy that Elle and Emma had met the night before kind of blew us off, as we were supposed to use his rope to go climbing so that we could get out of a crazy fee for only a few hours. At this point I went solemnly wandering the island, hoping someone would see how pathetic I looked and tell me they would take me out climbing. And it worked! Except, my new friend Mic is a really good climber and his new friend Jess is NOT. So we went to the Fire Wall, where the two of us managed to scramble me up this one crazy hard route, and then I got halfway through another one before my arms decided they were going to take the rest of the day off. Quitters. It didn't really matter, though, because I was headed off to Ao Nang to head to Bangkok to head back to Hong Kong to head to San Francisco to head home.
Lucky for me, I met a lovely British fellow on the pickup truck in Ao Nang and we were able to accompany each other all the way to Bangkok Airport the next day. It worked out so well, our flights were leaving within ten minutes of each other. This guy works for British Airways and was making me wildly jealous with his tales. He gets to fly pretty much anywhere for next to nothing, is funny, fun to talk to, makes enough to vacation whenever he wants and gets loads of time off. In addition to all that good stuff, his girlfriend gets to fly wherever SHE wants pretty much for free. So I casually asked him if he thought he would be needing a new girlfriend any time soon. Turns out he is quite attached to the current one. Go figure.
It doesn't REALLY matter though, because though I joke about the British Airways dude, I did meet a nice man I actually would marry. Of course, he doesn't know that, cuz he is pratically married off to someone who is not me, so there's no need in making a fool out of myself. But that's the rub about meeting so many people all the time. It seems like I am constantly nurturing a smarting heart.
And now I'm stuck in the Hong Kong airport. Yesterday was probably the worst day I have had in a very long time. Everything was fine until I realized that $3000 in traveler's cheques were missing from my money belt. So as I was trying to deal with that, my plane (unbeknownst to me) was taking off without me because I forgot to set my watch forward an hour from Bangkok time. I could see the plane rolling away as I got to the gate, and I thought to myself, "why is there no one here? They must have moved the gate... again" But then as I was walking up, the woman at the boarding gate said "Miss Brown?" and then in my surprise that this woman would know who I am out of alllllllll the passengers on this flight... it hit me exactly what was happening. And from two nights of no sleep and not eating properly, I just broke down and started sobbing on the floor. It was so awful. I was so thrilled with the idea of getting picked up by my dad, and then heading to a hotel - which is oddly something that is really fun for me, staying in hotel- and then goign home without ever having to navigate my way through ONE subway with my huge bags. Plus with the advent of the traveler's cheques and the fact that I didn't have any more money, and that I KNEW they were going to steal that stupid change fee from me... I wajust lost it. Oh man, it was horrible. I effectlively bought another plane ticket just because I made a stupid mistake. That 250 bucks gets me a whole week of Spanish school, or a one way ticket to the Bay area, or a round trip ticket to Guatemala. I tried telling this to the woman behind the counter, through sniffs and sobs, but she wasn't hearing it. I hope if she's ever in a state like I was yesterday, she doesn't run into herself somewhere. Cuz that was not fun at all.
But there are nice people all over the place, and as I was huddled in a corner trying to make sense of myself, feeling really stupid and lonely and trying to blubber quietly, this wonderful man... whom I will refer to now as my Balinese Guardian Angel... came over with a sandwich and some water and sat and talked with me for a long time. He did some breathing exercises with me, and we chatted for a long time about Hinduism and spirituality and meditation. It was great. It made me almost want to cancel my trip home and head to Bali with him and his family. Which is good, I like being excited about that. But Bali will be still be there when I actually have money, so like most things, it will have to wait.
So it's now ten o clock and I am going to check in for my flight. With any luck, in another 24 hours I will be in a car, with my dad, heading home. Finally.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Thailand
It's amazing how much you can feel in a matter of 24 hours. I actually wound up having a really fun last week in Hong Kong, and getting to do almost everything that I wanted. I met two super fun dudes on the ferry to lamma one day, who wound up accompanying me to do the Sharp Peak hike I had been trying to get to since, like, week 2. But, as per ususaly, it was well worth the wait, and it was nice to spend my last weekend away from the city.
The day I left for Thailand was an absolute mess. I arrived home in the morning from a sweet, but relatively sleepless night, in a pagoda that overlooks the South China Sea on one of the Lamma coasts. I came home to Emma and Elle throwing clothes everywhere. Another one of our co-workers arrived in at like 5 in the morning and was trying to sleep on the couch. When he realized that wasn't working, he instead got up and began to shout things at Emma and Elle when they were asking questions of each other regarding what to take with them. It turned into a joke show. For many reasons, I was laughing my ass off. And that was good. But the actual packing, after two nights on low sleep, was ridonkulous. I managed to get away with a 40 L bag that was only abot 2/3 full, so at least that was sweet.
So far I have been dealing with some crazy feelings coming up while having been here. Emma is so keen to beach it all the time, and Elle has been like a madwoman leading climbs. I have been having a little bit of a hard time with the fact that I feel like I wasted a bunch of time doing the 16 hour train ride up and back, for a day and a half of climbing. But... I think that's part of the bigger picture that I can't expect myself to melt into all the nuances of a new country, and then be gone, in less than a week. I *almost* wish I had stayed in Hong Kong and gone to the monestary I found... but I know when I can get home and actually process through whatever is going on inside my head that's giving me such squirrels in my belly... then I will be happy for having been. And will be keen to go back.
Until then, I leave tomorrow from this beautiful beachy, climbing paradise. I am: ________ (fill in the blank with any emotion and chances are you'll be right.) Tell ya what though, I'm NOT looking foward to snow on the ground in New York. So thankfully I will keep my head right here on this warm beach, until I ab-so-LOOT-ley have to. :)
The day I left for Thailand was an absolute mess. I arrived home in the morning from a sweet, but relatively sleepless night, in a pagoda that overlooks the South China Sea on one of the Lamma coasts. I came home to Emma and Elle throwing clothes everywhere. Another one of our co-workers arrived in at like 5 in the morning and was trying to sleep on the couch. When he realized that wasn't working, he instead got up and began to shout things at Emma and Elle when they were asking questions of each other regarding what to take with them. It turned into a joke show. For many reasons, I was laughing my ass off. And that was good. But the actual packing, after two nights on low sleep, was ridonkulous. I managed to get away with a 40 L bag that was only abot 2/3 full, so at least that was sweet.
So far I have been dealing with some crazy feelings coming up while having been here. Emma is so keen to beach it all the time, and Elle has been like a madwoman leading climbs. I have been having a little bit of a hard time with the fact that I feel like I wasted a bunch of time doing the 16 hour train ride up and back, for a day and a half of climbing. But... I think that's part of the bigger picture that I can't expect myself to melt into all the nuances of a new country, and then be gone, in less than a week. I *almost* wish I had stayed in Hong Kong and gone to the monestary I found... but I know when I can get home and actually process through whatever is going on inside my head that's giving me such squirrels in my belly... then I will be happy for having been. And will be keen to go back.
Until then, I leave tomorrow from this beautiful beachy, climbing paradise. I am: ________ (fill in the blank with any emotion and chances are you'll be right.) Tell ya what though, I'm NOT looking foward to snow on the ground in New York. So thankfully I will keep my head right here on this warm beach, until I ab-so-LOOT-ley have to. :)
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Comfortable
If I were to set a scene for my life the past week, it would look like: Three girls, running around half naked or half sane, or both... trying to put some sense into the craziness of the world, and failing with gusto.
And now it's coming to an end. Truly. And all of a sudden I find myself wearing this strange hat I didn't know I had. Emma practically had to pack my bags for me as I was on my way to the airport. Most of the time I get such a high off of traveling alone and meeting people and letting the chips fall as they may. But right now, in this moment, I would rather hang out in stinky Hong Kong to hang with my roommies than explore and expand in the temples of Siem Reap. Before today I was sure I was angry about not being able to leave, but today I'm citting my hair, singin in the shower, and playing lonely games, as I was told to do. And honestly I am elated that I am forced to wait for my friends before I can fly out.
Creepily, I'm even more excited because I literally am FORCED to wait for them, so I don't actually have to own up to the fact that I'd really rather stick around then go exploring. Cuz if I had to own up to that, I would definitely have to scold myself. Which is silly anyway. Many times I have to remind myself to step back and laugh at it all. Like I did today. A lot. So much so that some patrons at the beach were looking at me strangely, which just made me laugh more. Ha, joke's on them.
I was thinking fondly on California today, and how nice it was going to be to head back to a job I love, and people I love, and weather I, well, you know... it's not bad. Working on the beach and spending days with the kayster and sasha and being able to be in contact with the people I love. It has been months since I spoke with Dale and that's not sitting well with me at all. I am young enough to want freedom in most of its aspects, but old enough to know that there are some things you must hold precious and need not take for granted.
Hopefully not wanting to be alone is a phase. Or, perhaps I'm just lonely and ready to go home. Ready to speak the language, ready to hug michelle belle and patio, linders and shawna, lengli and the el martin. Ready to wax philosophic with Janet and laugh out loud with Elise. There are myriad ways to keep in touch with people these days, but none of it suffices at the heart of the matter. Or at least, instead of filling my reserves it leaves me wanting for more. But I was always that way, I think. I can remember being really young and staying over at my Grandmother's house. Every night I would get sad and want to call my parents, and after every call I would just cry harder. If she were smart, she would have hid the phone and told me it was broken.
At any rate, with the advent of the Bangkok thing blowing over, at least for now, it looks like I will be booking my flight for the 8th and just hanging around here until then. I need to hit up some of the markets for presents, and I am planning on hiking a mountain called Sharp Peak on Thursday or Friday. So it's not as though I will have as much time to fill as I was imagining. Plus, I know have no need to buy any food, as everyone who left (which is EVERYONE) left food at the house I am now staying at. So I don't even need to spend money on food or drink. I was even gifted a dvd of strange Asian porn. I would like to think that I was accidentally gifted said dvd, but it was nestled so nicely in the middle of them all, that most of me has to believe it was hidden. Either way that should provide an hour or so of a party for one.
So I get to feast on everyone else's food, walk in the leftover shoes, wear the leftover clothes, watch the leftover DVDs and read the leftover books. Fortunately I have been so busy distracting myself for at least two weeks, that even though I do not like it, I think the very thing I need is to be is in this nice house with no one I know around to distract me. Plus, it's good to do things we don't like every once in a while.
And now it's coming to an end. Truly. And all of a sudden I find myself wearing this strange hat I didn't know I had. Emma practically had to pack my bags for me as I was on my way to the airport. Most of the time I get such a high off of traveling alone and meeting people and letting the chips fall as they may. But right now, in this moment, I would rather hang out in stinky Hong Kong to hang with my roommies than explore and expand in the temples of Siem Reap. Before today I was sure I was angry about not being able to leave, but today I'm citting my hair, singin in the shower, and playing lonely games, as I was told to do. And honestly I am elated that I am forced to wait for my friends before I can fly out.
Creepily, I'm even more excited because I literally am FORCED to wait for them, so I don't actually have to own up to the fact that I'd really rather stick around then go exploring. Cuz if I had to own up to that, I would definitely have to scold myself. Which is silly anyway. Many times I have to remind myself to step back and laugh at it all. Like I did today. A lot. So much so that some patrons at the beach were looking at me strangely, which just made me laugh more. Ha, joke's on them.
I was thinking fondly on California today, and how nice it was going to be to head back to a job I love, and people I love, and weather I, well, you know... it's not bad. Working on the beach and spending days with the kayster and sasha and being able to be in contact with the people I love. It has been months since I spoke with Dale and that's not sitting well with me at all. I am young enough to want freedom in most of its aspects, but old enough to know that there are some things you must hold precious and need not take for granted.
Hopefully not wanting to be alone is a phase. Or, perhaps I'm just lonely and ready to go home. Ready to speak the language, ready to hug michelle belle and patio, linders and shawna, lengli and the el martin. Ready to wax philosophic with Janet and laugh out loud with Elise. There are myriad ways to keep in touch with people these days, but none of it suffices at the heart of the matter. Or at least, instead of filling my reserves it leaves me wanting for more. But I was always that way, I think. I can remember being really young and staying over at my Grandmother's house. Every night I would get sad and want to call my parents, and after every call I would just cry harder. If she were smart, she would have hid the phone and told me it was broken.
At any rate, with the advent of the Bangkok thing blowing over, at least for now, it looks like I will be booking my flight for the 8th and just hanging around here until then. I need to hit up some of the markets for presents, and I am planning on hiking a mountain called Sharp Peak on Thursday or Friday. So it's not as though I will have as much time to fill as I was imagining. Plus, I know have no need to buy any food, as everyone who left (which is EVERYONE) left food at the house I am now staying at. So I don't even need to spend money on food or drink. I was even gifted a dvd of strange Asian porn. I would like to think that I was accidentally gifted said dvd, but it was nestled so nicely in the middle of them all, that most of me has to believe it was hidden. Either way that should provide an hour or so of a party for one.
So I get to feast on everyone else's food, walk in the leftover shoes, wear the leftover clothes, watch the leftover DVDs and read the leftover books. Fortunately I have been so busy distracting myself for at least two weeks, that even though I do not like it, I think the very thing I need is to be is in this nice house with no one I know around to distract me. Plus, it's good to do things we don't like every once in a while.
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